Sunday, December 18, 2005

Holiday Madness

"The only thing I can equate Chicagoland's holiday party madness to is that time in life where you were graduating from high school and you went to 78 graduation parties in the span of a three-week period." - Jennifer Steel.


As I spend my first official holiday party-going season in "the area," I am 98% sure that I will need a liver transplant come January. In fact, there's talk of never leaving the apartment again during the first three months of the year to try and reverse some bodily damage. Throughout the holidays, we single women pair up with other single women to conquer the party scene, thereby doubling the amount of parties to attend. One cannot survive the holiday season flying solo- if not for the sheer expense of cab fares alone. So you pair up and you deck the halls off.


This weekend marked the third weekend of holiday partying. When people asked me how I knew the host/ess, I started replying that I am a professional holiday-party crasher, comparable to a wedding crasher. It could actually be an amazing idea if it wasn't so blasted cold in Chicago in December. You could wander the city streets, listening for loud music and sniffing for lil' smokies and attend countless parties, introducing yourself as a friend of a friend. Genius?


Yesterday my party-date was Jennifer Steel, the woman of the hour. Armed with our identical $15 Target purses and our empty stomachs, we walked around our block and lost a toe to frostbite after waiting a century for a cab to the first stop of the evening: Janine's holiday gathering. This girl knows how to feed/hydrate guests. You bet your ass I mini-sandwiched. I cheese and crackered. I spilled an entire jack and diet, my first drink of the evening, onto the back of their TV within 30 minutes of my arrival. Yeah, don't invite me to your parties. Check out the adorably decorated mantel:





Then we headed further north to a Northwestern Laboratory Festivus party. Here's Jen with a partygoer who is my favorite because of his festive attire:





Here is the "Festivus Pole" that was in the middle of the living room. I'm not sure who that old lady is in the background, but she's ruining my photo opp.




Tips for Holiday Cheer, As Learned This Weekend
1. Do not set foot in the Hangee Uppe, unless you are on crack and armed with glow sticks or the thought of smelling urine while old stinky men rub on you sounds like a good time.

2. Wear your winter jacket. Wear your mittens. Go to bars with a coat check, or carry that sucker around. It's worth it. It's hard as hell to catch a cab in Chicago holiday-season and you will freeze your ass off without that pea coat.

3. Do not have your cab driver drop you off at Pizza Rio. It will smell like a smoke bomb has gone off in there, your pores will be leaking a smoky pizza grease scent for the next 72 hours, and you will be wasting about 50 grams of fat eating cardboard. Furthermore, do not eat 50-grams of fat cardboard whilst watching an Oprah episode on body dysmorphic disorder.

4. Do not think that it's a good idea to attend Christmas parties on an empty stomach and eat bacon rollups, spinach dip, and/or Jack Daniels as your main entree. Get a real dinner and try not to shovel food in your mouth in public. I know you may get excited at the thought of being within 5 feet of pigs in a blanket and those damn good slice and bake cookies with the Christmas scenes in the middle- but get a grip and stay away. OR better yet, take a tip from your Grandma and travel with a Ziploc bag and when no one's looking take some to save for dinner tomorrow.

5. Maybe steer clear of using the question "What TV show should I spend my three unscheduled days-off work watching?" as a conversation icebreaker. You're already the girl shoving the water chestnuts in, no need to carry a sign that says "I'm single and instead of spending quality time with a loved one, I spend it with my 30-inch Sony."

6. Do not text message anyone. Just don't do it. No good comes from text messaging.

7. Probably don't tell other partygoers about your book club.

8. Chain yourself to your couch on New Years Eve. You can't handle another all you can drink party in 2005. So, ah, who wants to come over and eat some pizza and watch that ball drop?


To give you an example of how these things can turn out the next day, right now I am seeking shelter in my bedroom because my roommate's out of town friend most likely hooked up with my roommate's girlfriend's friend on one of our couches last night and both couples are now having a double-day-after-date in our living room. Official hookup or not, I will be Lysol-ing the sofa upholstery before I chill in that room again. Play your cards right and holiday party season can be key for finding a significant other.


I want to sleep for three more hours but my neighbors are training a new little puppy, right above my head, and apparently their technique is banging their fists on the floor.