Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Case of the Stolen Halloween Costume

I am not a Halloween fan. Never been, never will be. Hence, my ability to come up with clever costumes is fairly stifled on a yearly basis. This year I had my heart set on being Where's Waldo but alas the perfect red and white striped sweater paired with googly-eyed glasses was nowhere to be found. I think I'm going to continue this search to year round, though, so that perhaps in the future I will be able to sport a Waldo costume with much pride. Keep your eye out for me.


The combination of my reluctance to dress up paired with my overwhelming desire to not be the d-bag who shows up costume-less or worse: the ever-present serial killer costume ("they look just like you and me") left me in a panic the other day, resulting in me figuring I'd just be a Bears fan and sport a classic jersey with winter hat and bright scarf. Good enough, right? But then a co-worker of mine mentioned she had this idea to possibly be a girl scout. Immediately I was struck with how sweet of an idea that was. Nothing too exceptionally clever, but something that could be authentic and fun. A few days later she announced that she had moved on and secured another costume, leaving the proverbial Girl Scout door open for myself. (Although I could have been it anyways, all along, but I didn't want to be that lame ass girl who steals people's costume ideas, you know??? I guess I still am.)


So I do some research on google and find out that there's a Girl Scout uniform store about a mile and a half away from where I work downtown. Sweet. I figure I will run over there during my lunch break today, try to see if I can put together some semblance of a scouting ensemble, conveniently not mention it to the co-worker, and be on my jack-o-lantern way. I do a little CTA trip planner and figure out I can just hop on a bus outside of my office building that will take me straight there. I'm golden. Well, I'm getting ready to sneak out when my co-worker spots me and asks where I'm going to lunch. So I mumble something about checking out a clothing store and grabbing some food. She says, sweet, I'll walk down with you, I'm headed across the street to check out some shoes. Freaking a. So I've got to walk with her and I can't get on the bus.


Side Note: In order to appreciate the full seriousness of this story, I've got to fill you in on how badly I had to do #2 during this entire series of events. It was like nothing ever before. We're talking shooting pains like flares from above signaling WARNING, WARNING: YOU'VE REACHED MAXIMUM CAPACITY. MUST EMPTY OUT DIGESTIVE SYSTEM RIGHT NOW.


But I digress. So we head on out and I lose the co-worker at the shoe store and now am forced to walk briskly over to the Girl Scout uniform paradise. In my head I am picturing a store, where one can try on different outfits, select what they need, etc. However, much to my surprise this was not the case. It was in a large high-rise office building. I had to give my state-issued identification card scanned just to get up to the 21st floor. There was no messing around here. I make it all the way up to the Girl Scout heaven and it's definitely not a store situation. Instead, it was two innocent-looking Girl Scout ladies standing behind a counter. Great. My immediate reaction was that I should turn around and run far away and be lame bears fan lest I not offend these poor precious ladies by defaming their precious organization which is their livelihood. But alas I persevered, took a deep breath and sucked it up. Feeling a titch awkward I admitted that I was looking for a uniform for a halloween costume, with much hope that a lot better Halloween planners/organized people had paved the way down this road before. I mean, what the heck else was I supposed to say? Make some half-assed feeble attempt at pretending I was a freaking eagle girl scout, cadette, whatever, or that somehow I was clearly a leader of a troop? Didn't think that would be successful.


So mama girl scout eyed me up and down, sighed reluctantly, and said, "You know........... you're not supposed to tell me that you're using our precious official uniforms as a costume. The girl scout jesus would really frown upon that (Ok she didn't say that line but I wish she had.) Sister girl scout sitting next to her said, "Yeah- are you going to be climbing on bars and dancing in this thing?" I knew immediately, then, that I could handle these ladies: "As a former girl scout in my youth I pledge nothing less than representing your organization in the best light possible. Most importantly, I'm practically too old to be dancing on bars. And you can rest assured that I am not one of your average all about the turning each costume into Sluttly McSlutalot costumes. I represent each bonafide costume in is truest form. If i was into that I could have just bought the Brownie-in-a-bag whore suit from my local Halloween Headquarters. I'm not into that, Scout's honor."


Mama girl scout said nothing, but gave me one nod and led me back into the scouting uniform mecca. She really got into outfitting me, loving it by the end. Talk about a champ of a salesperson---- this mother hen really knows how to upsell stupid costume-seekers. Next thing I knew I was buying a troop number patch (It's my address - how clever--- or stupid???). She also tried to talk me into buying a juniors bright green bucket hat. Like a fishing hat sort of thing. I had to draw the line with that. "Listen here, Mother hen, i am single. I cant go around being single and sporting a bucket hat." So we put that one back.


But I am now the proud owner of a bright green completely unflattering juniors synthetic skirt, a bright green matching sash that i am having great difficulty working, countless achievement patches (you dont think I'd be a slacker girl scout now do you????? I'm a real go getter.)


So now I've got to secure some sort of glue gun to attach these puppies to the sash cause lord knows i don't have any sewing abilities. and I foresee some rather large and obnoxious green tube knee socks in my future, if not a full on green tight set. Just call me Peter Pan. I told mama girl scout my outfit would not be complete without a box of thin mints, hoping for a possible secret stash hidden under the cash register or, how I like it- in the freezer, but no such luck.


Luckily I do have a costume now. It's gonna be nasty. Love it. I'm glad the Girl Scout folk didn't kick my butt out.


PS: Whoa, there is actually a famous pumpkin carver and you can see his work on display: http://www.kuhnewer.com/thumbs/home.htm
You gotta love chicago.